5. Weren‘t you afraid?
Translated by Jolanta Czaicka-Kotlarczyk
„Weren‘t you afraid?“ people usually ask me after five minutes of listening to my story. This question seems to puzzle my listeners the most. I feel they expect me to tell them I am superhumanly courageous, or at least have martial art skills as great as Bruce Lee.
My answer is very simple: I was afraid, like anyone else. Maybe even more. I was anxious before my trip. I was afraid I will miss the plane, or it will not arrive at the destination. I was afraid I will lose my travel documents, or will be robbed. I was afraid I will get lost, sprain my leg, not find the place to spend the night, or I will tear up my shoes when walking..
I experienced incapacitating panic attacks two days before leaving. Even my daughter did not call me then, because she knows I would be talking erratically. And that’s it. When the time comes, I boarded the plane and then walk. And nothing special happened.
Most of our fears are created by our imagination. They come into existence thanks to images we develop in our brains. In the past, we have been exposed to accidents, disasters, attacks, crime, thefts, and frauds through media. It seems that everyone in the world is waiting to do us some harm.
Actually, it is the opposite.The world protects us, even when we do something wrong, if we do not take good care of something, or don‘t think something over. There is always some help. I have experienced a lot of unexpected events and many surprising outcomes. I met a lot of good, friendly people. Now, when I walk, I am not afraid anymore. The world happens to be good, and I was able to experience its better side.
When I plan a route at home, I try to anticipate things, reaching to my past experiences. I never know exactly, though, what is really going to happen. I can foresee certain things, protect myself against them, gather information, search for the best solutions, but I am never certain. That’s why I am geting anxious. I know nothing is for sure, and a lot of things can happen. I put all this anxiety into my backpack and take it with me.
My backpack always reveals what happened to me in the past, and what scares me the most. Sometimes, there are maps in there (I am afraid to get lost), dictionaries and phrase books ( I am afraid to be misunderstood), bandages and splints (In Spain, I once had problems with my joints), medication for blisters (I had them while in Portugal), sunscreen (I got sunburned in France and developed a sun allergy in Italy), some food (the stores near my routes were scarce), a little metal pot (because the kitchens in Portugal did not have pots), clothes pins (there was a strong wind in Spain), three battery packs for my camera (two are not enough, and sometimes there is no place to charge), three bandanas (once in France I had to put them over my backpack’s straps so they would not rub my shoulders). I used to have a dress in my backpack (I did not want to enter the churches in shorts), now I have a scarf - it can be worn as a skirt, when needed. I used to pack a coil heater; these days I can survive without hot beverages. I used to carry all cash on me (I wasn’t sure if there would be any cash machines nearby); today I am able to ask where they ATMs are, and hope they will be somewhere along the way.
At first, I carried more stuff, because I was worrying about more things. My backpack was so heavy I couldn’t sometimes walk. I arrived to my destination completely exhausted. Now, I worry much less. I know one will not die immediately because of hunger, thirst, cold, or pain. I know I can survive all of these. I went through difficult, and even extremely hard times at some point in my life, but it wasn’t during my Camino walk. I got to know myself, and I started to trust myself. Now I know I can overcome obstacles, even when they are overwhelming. I know the soul can hurt more than the body, so it is quite possible to walk with legs that hurt. I am not afraid I will be missing things. Some of them can be bought, substituted with something else, or you can live without them. We do not really need a lot to survive.
I do not take my memories with me, especially these difficult ones. I let them go. I feel the more I free myself from the baggage, the better I am doing.
Everyone is afraid of something, and this is not bad, embarassing, or childish. This is human nature. What’s important is not to be fearless, but to find things more important than fear in one’s life. When you decide to go, it means there is something more valuable, and stronger than fear: a fascination, infatuation, and challenge you want to take.
When I defeated my fear, something interesting happened. After my return from Camino, my friends‘ cats and dogs and their little children were so attracted to me. Kids and animals seem to experience people instinctively. I was then at peace, and had no fear. Peace evokes peace. They felt that they did not need to be afraid of me.
„Weren‘t you afraid?“ people usually ask me after five minutes of listening to my story. This question seems to puzzle my listeners the most. I feel they expect me to tell them I am superhumanly courageous, or at least have martial art skills as great as Bruce Lee.
My answer is very simple: I was afraid, like anyone else. Maybe even more. I was anxious before my trip. I was afraid I will miss the plane, or it will not arrive at the destination. I was afraid I will lose my travel documents, or will be robbed. I was afraid I will get lost, sprain my leg, not find the place to spend the night, or I will tear up my shoes when walking..
I experienced incapacitating panic attacks two days before leaving. Even my daughter did not call me then, because she knows I would be talking erratically. And that’s it. When the time comes, I boarded the plane and then walk. And nothing special happened.
Most of our fears are created by our imagination. They come into existence thanks to images we develop in our brains. In the past, we have been exposed to accidents, disasters, attacks, crime, thefts, and frauds through media. It seems that everyone in the world is waiting to do us some harm.
Actually, it is the opposite.The world protects us, even when we do something wrong, if we do not take good care of something, or don‘t think something over. There is always some help. I have experienced a lot of unexpected events and many surprising outcomes. I met a lot of good, friendly people. Now, when I walk, I am not afraid anymore. The world happens to be good, and I was able to experience its better side.
When I plan a route at home, I try to anticipate things, reaching to my past experiences. I never know exactly, though, what is really going to happen. I can foresee certain things, protect myself against them, gather information, search for the best solutions, but I am never certain. That’s why I am geting anxious. I know nothing is for sure, and a lot of things can happen. I put all this anxiety into my backpack and take it with me.
My backpack always reveals what happened to me in the past, and what scares me the most. Sometimes, there are maps in there (I am afraid to get lost), dictionaries and phrase books ( I am afraid to be misunderstood), bandages and splints (In Spain, I once had problems with my joints), medication for blisters (I had them while in Portugal), sunscreen (I got sunburned in France and developed a sun allergy in Italy), some food (the stores near my routes were scarce), a little metal pot (because the kitchens in Portugal did not have pots), clothes pins (there was a strong wind in Spain), three battery packs for my camera (two are not enough, and sometimes there is no place to charge), three bandanas (once in France I had to put them over my backpack’s straps so they would not rub my shoulders). I used to have a dress in my backpack (I did not want to enter the churches in shorts), now I have a scarf - it can be worn as a skirt, when needed. I used to pack a coil heater; these days I can survive without hot beverages. I used to carry all cash on me (I wasn’t sure if there would be any cash machines nearby); today I am able to ask where they ATMs are, and hope they will be somewhere along the way.
At first, I carried more stuff, because I was worrying about more things. My backpack was so heavy I couldn’t sometimes walk. I arrived to my destination completely exhausted. Now, I worry much less. I know one will not die immediately because of hunger, thirst, cold, or pain. I know I can survive all of these. I went through difficult, and even extremely hard times at some point in my life, but it wasn’t during my Camino walk. I got to know myself, and I started to trust myself. Now I know I can overcome obstacles, even when they are overwhelming. I know the soul can hurt more than the body, so it is quite possible to walk with legs that hurt. I am not afraid I will be missing things. Some of them can be bought, substituted with something else, or you can live without them. We do not really need a lot to survive.
I do not take my memories with me, especially these difficult ones. I let them go. I feel the more I free myself from the baggage, the better I am doing.
Everyone is afraid of something, and this is not bad, embarassing, or childish. This is human nature. What’s important is not to be fearless, but to find things more important than fear in one’s life. When you decide to go, it means there is something more valuable, and stronger than fear: a fascination, infatuation, and challenge you want to take.
When I defeated my fear, something interesting happened. After my return from Camino, my friends‘ cats and dogs and their little children were so attracted to me. Kids and animals seem to experience people instinctively. I was then at peace, and had no fear. Peace evokes peace. They felt that they did not need to be afraid of me.
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